So. I learned something last week. Now I'm not saying it's going to be universal thing but I suspect that it could be. Here is my hypothesis: the mood a creative person is in will seep into whatever they are working on in that moment.
This hypothesis explains a lot really. Why some artist will have certain pieces that differ strongly from the majority of their work. Why artists go through periods. It also explains why sometimes, be it writing or visual arts or performance arts, it can be hard to capture the same conditions that led to the creation of something amazing. It is definitely an explanation for the " I liked their old stuff better" stereotype. Money and fame and security can take away a lot of stress and therefore a lot of emotion from an artist's life making it hard to recapture the spirit of their original works.
Luckily I do not have money or fame or security in my life right now so I don't have to worry about "selling out" any time soon. However what I was worrying about last week was creating a new, fun, and bright drawing for Sartep, a physical representation of earth (dirt).
This did not work out so well.
I sat down at my desk with every intention of capturing the joyful spirit of the original. She's cute, she's blissful, she has root high heels. Fun! Easy peasy! This was my first draft:
Hmm. Well. I guess my emotions have seeped in. I'm feeling angry and frustrated. My husband and I are extremely unhappy in our current living situation and this year has been a lightning rod for change. Some of these changes include my Mom retiring from her job and my Dad graduating with his art degree last December. My Nana, the matriarch of my family, died earlier this year making my tiny family even tinier. Also, my step daughter turned eighteen, freeing my husband and myself from the grips of his ex-wife after a decade of her emotionally abusing him (and me, to a certain extent).
And though not all of those changes are negative, I'm still angry. I'm angry that I am surrounded by the ends of things yet the beginnings of new things seem to be so far away and getting further..
So without even realizing my inner feelings it came out on the paper. Even in my second try, after staring dumbfounded at my first try for a while, I couldn't help but make Sartep less kind, less cutesy. She might be holding a flower but the vines wrapped around her tell the truth about earth: it is as cruel as it is kind, as harsh as it is beautiful.
I didn't want to share this experience at first but I eventually changed my mind because I guess there is a message I want to send to the literally ones of people who might read this: express yourself. It doesn't matter how or what the end result looks like. Draw birds or anime, write poetry, make a collage, play a song, whatever. Just do it. No matter what you start out to do you might find that the end results betray more about yourself than you expected. And perhaps within that realization you can begin to heal.