Happy Murder Fun Misogyny Hour: Criminal Minds Reviewed

Do you ever wonder about the shows that are really popular on TV that you (hopefully) don't watch? Sure, it's easy to visit websites like the The A.V. Club and come away with a very specific idea of what is popular and what isn't when the truth is that the majority of network TV watchers aren't watching Adventure Time or Mad Men or even The Walking Dead. So what are our parents and grandparents and people in coma wards actually watching every evening when they sit down to some prime time TV?

Today I'm going to review just such a television show: Criminal Minds. Criminal Minds premiered in 2005 and, as far as I can tell, is still currently airing. It's one of the solid performers like your NCISs and CSIs that make up a large part of mainstream broadcast television still. It's basically the grilled chicken breast of the television world: it's not very good, it's definitely not fun, but it gets the job done. If the job is sucking, that is.

Now I want to start this with a disclaimer: I have not seen every episode. However, I have watched eight solid seasons of it on Netflix back to back so I think I can speak with authority when I say that this show is a pile of hot garbage.

I'm going to get into the characters and some of my "favorite" episodes but before I do I just want to give a little background on this show first. I would say the main thing you need to know is its defining feature is less "this is a show about people who profile criminals for the FBI" and more "this is a show that fucking hates women".

This is not a huge surprise but, as a person who has also watched a shit-ton of Law and Order and SVU, the way this show handles its cases is different from those other two lady killer shows. First, I would argue that Law and Order had a much more diverse range of victims: age, body type race,  and definitely sex and gender. Criminal Minds mostly kills thin white women, a few white men, and maybe a minority sprinkled here and there. Oh, and kids occasionally. So entertaining!

Also, though SVU has itself become a garbage pile in the last few years (or maybe always), there was a sense that in its early seasons it at least had some sort of message behind its madness. In trying to discuss rape and rape culture and show what victims go through, it was a real message show at one point, albeit a clumsy and ham-handed one. And yet Criminal Minds has no such purpose. It is for pure "entertainment",

Beyond those two points though CM differs also from Law and Order/SVU because it is not a bloodless show. Because it's about people tracking killers we almost always get to see not just murdered women but women that are being stalked as the killer's next victim, women being tortured, kidnapped, or held in captivity. The show definitely wants you to feel titillated/uncomfortable by these scenes but I'm not really sure why. Every episode features shit like that. I guess it is supposed to connect the audience to the victim to give the story arc stakes but it really just always made me feel manipulated by the writers.

So, now that you know what you are getting into, let's meet the characters.

1. Jason Gideon aka Father Figure aka The World's Coolest Man

Mandy Patinkin

Ol' Patinker plays the first of two father figures that the show writers felt was desperately needed to oversee this FBI special task force grouping. How else could this rag-tag bunch of highly educated and trained FBI agents do their jobs without an old, grumpy, and ineffective white guy to boss them around and teach them maudlin life lessons?

The seasons where this character are still around are a goldmine of unintentional humor because it was obvious they wanted this character to be like a Gil Grissom from CSI, an  edgy and cool older guy mentor guru figure. But they could. Not. Pull. It. Off. It is so, so embarrassing to watch and finally, before he is written off/leaves the show completely, you can tell they just gave up in trying to make him cool and he suddenly just likes duck paintings and scotch like the old WASPy fart that he was all along.

Character Traits: Being old and white. Failing at being mysterious or wise or interesting in any way.

Unnecessary Character Torture: He's haunted by old cases. He doesn't get that much shit thrown at him, compared to the other characters. 

2. David Rossi aka Father Figure 2.0

Joe Mantegna

Patinkin was replaced by Mantegna who was a big improvement in that, at the very least, none of the writer's even tried to make him interesting. That's something at least.

Character Traits: His character is a famous author so that comes up  lot. Honestly, Joe Mantegna does not seem to give a shit about this character or this role so I kind of respect him for that. He's just kind of there.

Unnecessary Character Torture: I don't even remember. Haunted by old cases? Never got caught a specific killer? Something like that.

3. Derek Morgan aka That Guy Who Got Molested

Shemar Moore

So . . . this character has some stuff about him that makes me feel icky. Ok. First off, they went with the idea that he is a highly sexualized person (which feels like a stereotype). He is shown to be a ladies man. BUT. They didn't want his sexuality to be threatening so they did two things. 

The first thing they did was to make him be a huge flirt with the chubby I.T. cast member (in and of itself a another stereotype about black men). So see, he's a flirt, not a threat! And two, they have his character be super molested as a kid, which kind of casts the character's inability to form meaningful relationships into a new light. AND it also (in theory) makes him sympathetic no matter how poorly he treats the women around him (and oh boy, do I have a doozy of an example of that coming up in part two).

That being said, this show doesn't even make the connection I just did. His inability to form relationships and his background of sexual abuse are never discussed together. It's more like here is one trait this character has, and here is another (if being molested can be a trait, I guess). I think that could have been an 

interesting discussion, but no.

Character Traits: Being from the STREETS. Surviving child abuse. Being all around charming and amiable, albeit in a very bland way. Flirting merciless with the IT chick.

Unnecessary Character Torture: I mean . . .you know one of them. Also he is wrongfully accused of murder at one point.

4. Penelope Garcia aka The Fat Nerd

Kirsten Vangsness

I feel like, much with the goth chick on NCIS, this character is loved by people who do not seem to see that she is both terrible and also fucking hated by this show. This show fucking. Hates. Fat women. Truly, truly  deep seeded hate that manifests itself brazenly in multiple episodes.

As a fat nerd myself, I am surely going to be the most biased against/invested in  this garbage character. First of all, look at her. LOOK AT HER. She is the character who works the computers (you guys, she's a hacker) so she stays at base (?) when the other characters go into the field. Oh, and she dresses like a psychotic clown. There are . . . so many things about this that piss me off.

First being, she works alone in a fucking room all day. Who is she fucking dressing up for to begin with? Her makeup is always applied with a trowel, her clothing makes no sense, and it only gets worse as the seasons go on. Also, hey, what do nerds like? Online gaming? YES. Hacking? YES. Enhancing the videos? YES, GOD YES. So dumb. So clearly written by a roving pack of elderly TV writers who wouldn't know a nerd from a working penis.

Also, making her boyfriend in later seasons the bloated alcoholic corpse of Nicholas Brendon just feels like an extra slap in the face to true nerds everywhere.

Character Traits: She seems to eat a lot of salad because she is fat but not like, the kind of fat person who eats a lot of unhealthy food you guys! Gah! Also, again, hacking. She is the other half the the flirt duo with Shemar Moore's character. They love love love to poke fun at the sexual tension between the two characters. If one of the numerous "uh oh, the flirting has gone too far, are we gonna . . .?" moments had ended with Shemar Moore's character going "What? I'm never going to sleep with you, you fat cunt HAHAHAHAHA" I would not have been surprised. Her sexuality is 100% played for laughs. How could a man like Derek "stud muffin" Morgan every actually want to be with her?? (I like how the get to have both sides of the stereotype wagon here, both with black men loving the thick girls AND with fat women being totally socially awkward and unfuckable.) Hey show: these two characters  are the ONLY two characters who have a SHRED of chemistry on your shitty garbage show. LET THEM FUCK.

Unnecessary Character Torture: Ooo boy, I gotta good one here but I'm gong to save it for the episode discussion.

5. Dr. Spencer Reid aka The Handsome Sad Sack aka The Thin White Nerd

Matthew Gray Gubler

Ok. Gubler is a legitimately good actor. He is very cute and charming. I get that he needs a paycheck but I can't help feeling bummed that he is still stuck on this stupid show. His character is played up as the other side of the nerd spectrum. Whereas Garcia is fun and quirky he is awkward and troubled, with a Mom who is mentally ill. I feel like the show doesn't really know what to do with this character very often. He spent like a whole season having headaches that never really amounted to much.

He did give me one of my favorite embarrassingly out of touch scenes where his "nerdy" character is doing star wars trivia. Because what twenty something isn't fully versed in the ins and outs of the original series, even though they would have grown up in the prime renaissance that was The Next Generation. NERD RAGE.

Character Traits: Awkward. Bad with women (as all super smart, handsome, funny, and charming men with great jobs are). Likes nerd stuff. Has a lot of superhero-esque type thematic worries about losing his powers (of being a prodigal type intelligence) due to his families history of schizophrenia.

Unnecessary Character Torture: Well, the mom thing. His ongoing weird headache ting. They give him a weird story arc in one season with a mysterious girlfriend he only talks to on the phone which ends with her dying which, given how little care the show gives to his personal life, just seemed cruel.

6. Aaron Hotchner aka Human Oatmeal

Thomas Gibson

This is literally the most boring character ever committed to television history. He does things! Words come out of his mouth! Thomas Gibson signs his paycheck at the end of the week! I don't even know what else to say. He is kind of the tight laced white leader guy (to complement the other older more mysterious and freewheeling white guy part I guess). I truly cannot tell if they consistently write this character as an emotionless robot or if Thomas Gibson is just an extremely shitty actor.

Character traits: I don't even fucking know.

Unnecessary Character Torture: His wife gets murdered. It's part of  seasons long story arc that manages to be both super straight forward and dull and yet also needlessly convoluted. The best part is when the killer gets a hold of his wife there is  tense stand off in the Hotchner's living room where his wife is basically like "Ok I'm going to sacrifice myself, go ahead and kill me now". I have a tendency to get really disgusted with shows that show victims who just kind of take whatever happens to them and never fight their captors, even if the opportunity is right there. This is the worst case example of that I can think of. It is so stupid. Anyway, I think the whole scene was more traumatic for me the viewer to watch then it was shown for the characters who actually experienced it in their universe.

Also, there is a storyline where his hearing gets injured in a bomb explosion which I actually did think was a suitably dull injury for such a dull character.

7. Jennifer Jareau aka The Hot One

A.J. Cook

I don;t know. She's pretty. She's the media relations person. She is not featured as much as the rest of the cast and apparently even left the show for a season or so and then came back. Her character is boring and inconsequential.

Character traits: Hotness. She has a kid but goes back to her dangerous job, so I guess being a shitty parent is kind of a trait of hers. She is, however, shown to be very good at being a media consultant. 

Unnecessary Character Torture: The Cajun accent of the love interest they give her is torture enough.

8. Emily Prentiss aka Girl, You are Better than This

Paget Brewster

Knowing what I now know about Paget Brewster, I can say I am sad that she is on this show. From just watching this show it can be seen that she is a good actress who is charming and capable. But since then I have also learned that she's a regular in the L.A. improv scene, collaborating with Paul F. Tompkins quite often, and even showing up Community's excellent sixth season in a very funny role.

Character Traits: Brought in to replace another character so boring I''m not going to discuss here, Prentiss is shown to be funny, smart, capable, and tough. Actual traits! 

Unnecessary Character Torture: You might be saying to yourself now that Prentiss kind of sounds like a more interesting and well rounded character. Though not anything special, she is indeed pleasant enough to watch and one could probably muster up some interest in her character. But then, this is Criminal Minds and having a sensible and likable character does not work here! So they made her  super secret agent! It's a dumb spiral of nonsense that seems to go on forever with her character being literally tortured at one point. Are there tedious flashbacks? Yes! Are her alliances questioned? Yes? Are there death fake outs? You bet your sweet ass! It's so, so tiresome.

Well sadly this concludes part one of my Criminal Minds review*. Next time I will break down a few episodes that truly helped drive me to the peak of madness, including my favorite Garcia storyline (Update: and here it is).

Until then try not to get kidnapped, shoved into a van, put into a cage, and forced to produce male children for a crazed lunatic! Isn't TV fun?

*What am I doing with my life.