Fat Girl Problems

I bought some new clothes the other day. This is normal. Less normal: I wait until the dog has eaten all my pants or I have paint on everything I own to buy new things. I have a skirt that is at least 13 years old at this point. Etc. This is because clothes buying as a fat person is not fun. And I don't mean fat as in Dove commercial fat or Instagram fat. I mean fat as in- "Geez, why doesn't this bitch just invest in some muumuus and wall herself up in her bedroom already". Whatever y'all- Darlene Cates lived to be 69 so suck it. Side note: do not let little fat girls watch What's Eating Gilbert Grape? That movie scarred me for life. FOR. LIFE.

Anyway, it's super fun to look for clothing when your measurements aren't even acknowledged to exist by most clothing designers/manufacturers. I managed to find some stuff, even a couple mildly cute things. But I also had to deal with a whole lotta bullshit.

Now selling a size 3X shirt to a size 3X person by displaying it on a size 2 model is deeply stupid enough (looking at you Modcloth).  But check out these sweet treats I saved, just for you, my non-existent readers.

This first one is a double whammy of suck. First off, I want you to notice this shitty garbage site. I go to it because it has great deals! And also, I have no other choice! Cool! It used to be called "Woman Within". That is exceedingly awful and gross. "We here see you as more than a gross fat monster- we see the woman within you. Though the outside is, still, a gross fat monster. Now give us your money!" Awful. Again, I have no choice.

Recently (within the last year or so) they changed the name to "Fullbeauty" which is . . . fine. Whatever. At least it's not blatently offensive. Yet this screenshot is from only a few days ago. Notice the top sales banner. Hey Fullbeauty: your web person is slackin'. Get on that shit. Don't remind me how even eviler you used to be while I'm trying to give you money.

This same screenshot shows another fun thing. When searching for underpants (panties is a gross and awful word) this is what I got while doing a search for my size. Four options. all shaping solution bullshit. I already have a shape, thanks. It's called ROUND and I LIKE IT THAT WAY. The frustrating part is that this is a lie- they sell underpants in all sizes, my size included, in various styles. But when you do a search this is all that comes up. I had to scroll through all the styles to find others. HMM. INTERESTING.

Le terrible.

I noticed while browsing that Mellissa McCarthy's collection is now up. When I heard this announced I remember thinking "Girl, why? You always look bad." I hate her constant long sleeved floor length gown bullshit. Anyway, look at these clothes in the pic. The cardinal fat girl clothes sins are all here in this one pic. Ugly prints, animal style prints, French shit. Man, of all the stuff about fat girl clothes I don't get, the constant French language and imagery stuff is the most baffling to me. Anyway, it's mostly ugly, only goes up to 3x, and is VERY expensive. Guys, I just dream of a day when I don't have to pay thirty bucks for a goddamn tank top. 

Finally I will leave you with my personal favorites. I thought it was just this one individual underwear listing but it turns out there are a LOT. Enjoy these pics of tiny models selling plus size clothing that is apparently made entirely out of photoshop. Or, honestly, MS Paint. 

 "Because fuck you, that's why."

A Short Story

I received an email today.

Let me paraphrase it for you.

"Dear Halestorm,

This is the Federal Loan Servicing agency. We are concerned that you haven't sent us your student loan repayment of $50 yet for this month. You know, the one we cashed a day ago? That's the one.

Without it we can't buy more tanks and this makes us very sad. 

If we could suck the knowledge back out of your head as repayment, we would. But we can't. (Yet.) So please send us our money. Pwease?

Sincerely,

The person who cashed your check less than 24 hours ago."

Me, at this point:

"OK then," I sez to myself. "I'll show your dumb asses." I scroll to the bottom of the email.

"Contact Us" you say? Click click, motherfucker.

Perfect.

The end.

OBEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By Haley

As I have been thinking a lot lately about what exactly the term "healthy lifestyle" means, I want to share something with you now that is very special to me. It's my favorite obnoxious dieting web ad that I've ever seen. So much so that this image has literally been on my computer for years.

What a great solution! Just fucking obey. Slightly fat? Really fat? Remove-a-wall-from-the-house-so-you-can-go-outside fat? Chubby, chunky, curvy, plump, obese, pregnant (I SEE YOU AD), old, young, cute, ugly, sad, sick, happy, content, WHATEVER: just fucking obey and everything will be OK.

Obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey obey.

Maybe a healthy lifestyle just means disengaging from the conversations that people have about what constitutes a healthy lifestyle. Maybe it just means ignoring all the charlatans and false prophets who want to make a buck off of your misery (or change you happiness into misery and then profit off of that). Maybe it just means that people should just do what makes them feel sane instead of sexy. Do work on the bodies we HAVE not the bodies we WANT. Feed the feelings that we want to feel. Obey ourselves.

Anyway, I don't even know what the ad was selling because I didn't click. I will never click. Besides, it's always some version of speed + a berry that white people have never heard of anyway.

Pretty on the Inside (Clip Art on the Outside)

By Haley

Let's talk about memes again. What are they used for? Some memes want to amuse you, others serve as a shorthand for human interaction (easier to post a happy birthday pic than to type out all those annoying letters). Some serve to illustrate a point or convey a message.

But many, many memes exist to make the poster feel better about themselves through useless nonsense.

Here is a good example.

First off, note the classic meme tactic of random capitalization and punctuation. The sentences don't even end or begin on the same lines. Also, the graphic (which appears to be bridal themed?) that has nothing to do directly with the text. Of course we also have our obvious and obnoxious promo blurb on the pic- always a gamble. Will it direct you to the best case scenario or to the worst case? Worst case being some virus riddled "meet singles in your area" internet hellhole, best being a page full of similarly shitty memes.

But what about the message? Based on the content- the beauty is on the inside stuff, the prayer bit at the end- this is is a meme for ugly passive aggressive religious women*. I added on the passive aggressive part because I have never seen/heard/experienced anyone saying that they would pray for the people who don't them in a non-passive aggressive way (the word "sweetie" tends to get thrown around in those situations a lot also, as I have noticed). 

Moving away from the religious part, I just want to reiterate how icky this meme makes me feel overall. The message here is smug and self-serving for anyone who posts it- the subtext of a post like this is always " . . . and I am this kind of beautiful, me, right here, the poster of this meme." Plus, if it's posted by a conventionally attractive woman then it is doubly self serving because it's pretty easy to preach the gospel of inner beauty when you have already experienced the benefits of outer beauty. It's kind of like people with rich parents talking about pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. I guess I just think that some of the power behind turning the other cheek is removed when the other cheek is just as perfectly contoured as the first.

So this is a shitty meme and you need to help out here because of it. Do your part: don't pass this kind of crap around and don't encourage those who do. Positive OR negative reinforcement for people who post this stuff will not help (because boy, do religious people love negative reinforcement- "hell" and all that). And, if you are a religious person reading this, please send a little prayer out for the artist or clip art designer who made the graphic that ended up on this dumb meme. They are probably really hungry and sad right now and could use all the help they can get.

* This is a joke. Don't get mad at me uggos, for I am one of you.

Internet Hell

Last week, someone who I care about very much betrayed me on Facebook (and no, I will not name names).  They posted onto my wall in front of everyone (well not everyone, friends only- got that security down tight) a meme so horrible, so lazy, so treacly, that I may never be able to look at this person the same way again. That's right, it was a Minions meme.

What possesses otherwise sane and rational people to pass these garbage memes along like the digital herpes that that they are? I suspect it's the same reason "likes" flow like a raging river and "unlikes" are equally tossed about with an easy callousness on Facebook. And that reason is that people are dumb.

No, the reason is that most people don't think too hard about the images that whiz past them while scrolling about. It's just so easy to click an impulsive "like" and "share" as one wastes time on Facebook. As a consequence of this casualness there is a body of work allowed to fester and grow there, a lazy and incompetent collection of memes so outrageously bad and inept that pity is bypassed and only scorn must remain. These images, and other nonsense from around the web, make up what I can only call:

INTERNET HELL

And make no mistake, we're all burning in it all the time. Let's see some examples, shall we?

If your friend loves you more than your lover that might be a problem.

 Now this is not the meme that was posted to my wall (the one I received was worse in some ways) but this one has floated down my newsfeed MORE THAN ONCE. It has several hallmarks of an awful meme. First, children's cartoon images aimed at adults. Second, random schmaltzy (often nonsensical) text combined with images that have nothing to do with the text. And third, poor spelling and grammar (not so much an issue here, though it has no punctuation).

And finally, the issue that truly pisses me off: images that have been modified by people who have no idea how Photoshop or Illustrator or, hell, Ms-paint work. This Minions meme appears to have been modified at some point possibly (the two font styles, the poor spacing, color vs. black text) but it has held up fairly well ("well" being used subjectively here). Here is a better example of the modification issue:

Is this funny? I don't know. I've seen this posted by multiple people. I think the joke has to do with how strippers exist? Regardless, notice how the text is blurry. This image has been saved (most likely as a jpeg, a file type that can degrade over time) and resaved and reposted many times it appears. It possibly has been crudely placed on different colored backgrounds to appear as though it's a new meme, possibly for multiple people to try and claim ownership of it. And this blurry, badly aligned mess is the aftermath.

But as bad as these are . . . I have worse. It has become a sick obsession for me to collect these. As I post them here I will purge them from my computer's files, thus cleansing my hard drive and my soul.

As a final thought, I would like again to point out that every time Grandma posts a Snoopy meme about how much she loves her grandkids it's not time to pull out the pitchforks and torches. It's way too easy too absentmindedly engage with bad stuff out there- a click here, a click there and suddenly your friends are hiding your feed. So let's remember- don't blame those who repost, for they know no what they do. Blame the people who are creating these memes.

For it is they who must be stopped.