My Drag Name

Fat Girl Problems

I bought some new clothes the other day. This is normal. Less normal: I wait until the dog has eaten all my pants or I have paint on everything I own to buy new things. I have a skirt that is at least 13 years old at this point. Etc. This is because clothes buying as a fat person is not fun. And I don't mean fat as in Dove commercial fat or Instagram fat. I mean fat as in- "Geez, why doesn't this bitch just invest in some muumuus and wall herself up in her bedroom already". Whatever y'all- Darlene Cates lived to be 69 so suck it. Side note: do not let little fat girls watch What's Eating Gilbert Grape? That movie scarred me for life. FOR. LIFE.

Anyway, it's super fun to look for clothing when your measurements aren't even acknowledged to exist by most clothing designers/manufacturers. I managed to find some stuff, even a couple mildly cute things. But I also had to deal with a whole lotta bullshit.

Now selling a size 3X shirt to a size 3X person by displaying it on a size 2 model is deeply stupid enough (looking at you Modcloth).  But check out these sweet treats I saved, just for you, my non-existent readers.

This first one is a double whammy of suck. First off, I want you to notice this shitty garbage site. I go to it because it has great deals! And also, I have no other choice! Cool! It used to be called "Woman Within". That is exceedingly awful and gross. "We here see you as more than a gross fat monster- we see the woman within you. Though the outside is, still, a gross fat monster. Now give us your money!" Awful. Again, I have no choice.

Recently (within the last year or so) they changed the name to "Fullbeauty" which is . . . fine. Whatever. At least it's not blatently offensive. Yet this screenshot is from only a few days ago. Notice the top sales banner. Hey Fullbeauty: your web person is slackin'. Get on that shit. Don't remind me how even eviler you used to be while I'm trying to give you money.

This same screenshot shows another fun thing. When searching for underpants (panties is a gross and awful word) this is what I got while doing a search for my size. Four options. all shaping solution bullshit. I already have a shape, thanks. It's called ROUND and I LIKE IT THAT WAY. The frustrating part is that this is a lie- they sell underpants in all sizes, my size included, in various styles. But when you do a search this is all that comes up. I had to scroll through all the styles to find others. HMM. INTERESTING.

Le terrible.

I noticed while browsing that Mellissa McCarthy's collection is now up. When I heard this announced I remember thinking "Girl, why? You always look bad." I hate her constant long sleeved floor length gown bullshit. Anyway, look at these clothes in the pic. The cardinal fat girl clothes sins are all here in this one pic. Ugly prints, animal style prints, French shit. Man, of all the stuff about fat girl clothes I don't get, the constant French language and imagery stuff is the most baffling to me. Anyway, it's mostly ugly, only goes up to 3x, and is VERY expensive. Guys, I just dream of a day when I don't have to pay thirty bucks for a goddamn tank top. 

Finally I will leave you with my personal favorites. I thought it was just this one individual underwear listing but it turns out there are a LOT. Enjoy these pics of tiny models selling plus size clothing that is apparently made entirely out of photoshop. Or, honestly, MS Paint. 

 "Because fuck you, that's why."

MST3K: The New Class

Reviewing the New MST3K: Episode One

I backed the new MST3K project, meaning that I got a sneak peak at the first episode on Sunday. The full season will be released this Friday but I'd like to share my thoughts.

THIS REVIEW DOES NOT CONTAIN SPOILERS. I took no screenshots, I'm not revealing the movie they riff, I'm not going into details. I'm sure those things can be found online in a second (and I would argue sharing those details aren't really outside of the spirit of the show), I just want to focus on the show itself and not the details right now. So I'm just going to discuss my thoughts about the new cast, set, riffs, etc. Keep in mind two things when reading this- I really hate change and this is probably my all-time favorite TV show. (Edited to add: meaning, I'm going to appear fair on the outside while hating the changes with every fiber of my being on the inside.)

(These are notes I took while watching. I wrote them on the inside of a cardboard Pocky box.)

MASH for Millenials

I'm what is known as an old millennial. It's a fun group to belong to. Born in the eighties, people my age got to grow up during the rise of cell phones, file sharing, and the Internet in general. For me, being raised by hippies, it sometimes felt like there was a disconnect between the world I was experiencing firsthand and the rapidly changing world I was seeing outside of my home. This line was further blurred by my family's early access to computers and the Internet due to my mother's involvement in academia. 

For me, the gap between my parents life and my own was never more apparent to me than during the golden hours of 4-6 pm, when our local network affiliates would play an assortment of pre-dinner time TV that I found frustrating as a kid. As I waited for the reruns of The Simpsons to come on, I'd sometimes have to sit through the closing minutes of MASH or Cheers to get to the good stuff. Those shows, for me, were firmly in the category of "ADULT STUFF THAT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND OR CARE ABOUT."  They seemed utterly alien to me.

Even though as an adult I've come to appreciate so many things now that I didn't before, MASH was still intimidating to me. It ended its run before I was even born. It was about SERIOUS TOPICS. And it had an intimidating number of seasons and episodes. 

I felt compelled to watch it anyway, to fill in my knowledge gaps and to report back. So the question I set out to answer was- does a show like MASH have any appeal left in it to someone in 2017, someone my age or younger? Does it hold any interest besides just "I always wondered what the show that came on before The Simpsons was about?" Having run the whole series, I can now honestly report back with a solid and confident . . . maybe.