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| Pete Burns from Dead or Alive. So pretty, mmm. |
I'm not very tech savvy when it comes to music or, I should say, that I don't really give a shit about music related tech. I listen to CDs. I watch YouTube videos. I move on with my life. BUT. I recently discovered the YouTube playlist making feature and hoo-boy has that taken me back to a time in my life when I was MUCH more interested in the care and keeping of a musical collection.
For my first foray into the magic of mix making I decided to recreate a kick-ass mix I made as a teen with a dial-up connection and a Limewire account. It's an 80s mix of the fun shit from the 80s (sorry Morrissey!). The one hit wonders, the pop classics, the era defining fluff. No cock rock and no hair bands, which I hate like poison2.
One of the things I didn't realize though is that since the playlist is videos that meant that I would be seeing a bunch of music videos I had never seen before. Having watched many of them I can now definitively say that music videos in the 80s were bananas.
Look, the music itself is embarrassing enough. Take "The Safety Dance" for instance. What the fuck is that about? EVERYBODY LOOK AT YOUR HANDS? Take a look at the video:
Ok, it's batshit, right? I don't know what the fuck is going on, and it's pretty embarrassing in that special eighties way. And yet, I respect it. I respect the commitment to this goofy song and video concept (check out Mr. Emote at 1:14- he is in it to win it).
Even though it's pretty goofy, it's earnest in its goofiness. The sets are great, the costumes are fun (I'm pretty sure the little person guy is wearing a t-shirt under his jester's jacket). And let's be honest, ol' shaggy haired singer guy is fairly attractive. He looks like he could definitely be found in 2015 leading a Mumford and Sons or <insert any other bore-rock band here> type outfit.
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| Ivan Doroschuk, living up to his band's name, Men Without Hats |
But now . . . let's check out the other side of the spectrum. The side where embarrassing in a fun way becomes embarrassing in a hilarious way. The shittiest video I watched out of 40+ eighties music videos. A video so devoid of ideas that it resorts to literally acting out lyrics from the song.
And that song is:
Dead or Alive - You Spin Me 'Round (Like a Record)
First, a note on the lyrics: Though most of the song is just spinning and record-ing and what not, those first few lyrics are pretty rapey. He wants to know your name so he can trace your private number without your consent because you look like a lot of fun. He just wants to get closer to you! Watch out, here he comes (to rape you).
Onto the visuals.
0:09 We are introduced to the set. It's a background. And a prop: a disco ball with a Christmas bow on it. Disco, party, records, record spinning, spinning right round. Ok, I follow that logic.
0:22 Gotta talk about this guy, the lead singer, Pete Burns. Ok. I have now done some research about him after a lot of procrastination (because I knew it was going to be depressing). His life is depressing. So here's is what I'm not going to discuss which is that he is a gay man and very effeminate in this video. Because really, there is obviously nothing wrong with that. And also truthfully he's quite attractive, in a terrible 80s way (see header pic). So really, the problem isn't him, it's the people who told him that he was a good dancer.
0:33 Also . . . the styling here . . . he is a sassy pirate. A very literal, sassy pirate. This is when he starts doing hand motions that parallel the song lyrics. Hoo boy.
0:44 Group shot. Guy in front: INTO IT. Other androgynous guy: here for the paycheck. Short haired guy on the left: Looks mildly amused. Oh no, he's become self-aware! ABORT, ABORT!
0:48 Butt wiggle. I could watch that all day.
1:57 Literal example: "Open up your arms . . ." and he does! What a great concept for a music video!
1:03 They spin around. It's the best. (Also, more Christmas ribbon.)
1:32 Burns with golden background dancers behind him making a multi-armed beasty looking thing. They are, sadly, not in sync with the music. At this point, I begin to feel sad.
1:36 The camera moves in when he says "And I would like to move in just a little bit closer." I am now happy again.
2:03 Tarzan yell and flags. GREAT.
2:10 Forget what I said before, this is masterful dancing. The one hand closed/one jazz hand is especially great.
2:20 Burns is wearing so. Much. Makeup.
2:50 All the band members! All the Christmas ribbons! Disco ball! Flags! Too bad they didn't bring back the golden dancers because then every element of this video would have been in one shot.
3:06 Pete Burns has become a beautiful ribbon mermaid at this point in the video and no one can take that away from him- not ever.
In retrospect, having watched this abomination again, I don't think the difference between this crappy video and the other crappy video I posted is a difference in commitment from the musicians. Both are committed to their ideas it's just one set of ideas was "medieval fantasy land" and the other was " a blue backdrop and a shit ton of concealer".
As a parting note I must admit that it is now very tempting to post a before and after pic of Pete Burns to show how pretty he was in the 80s compared to . . . now. I'm not going to though because it has, according to Google, already been done to death (he's still a reality star in Britain and thus his life is fairly well documented). So Google that shit yourself.
I will say that if you took Chad Michaels3 from Rupaul's Drag Race in his full Cher get up and then put him under a hairdryer for thirty minutes you'd get modern day Pete Burns.
Anyway, that's it for my foray into eighties aesthetics for now. You can check out my work-in-progress playlist here and leave suggestions for more songs to add in the comments.
1 Make no mistake about the economic status of my family, this was usually an unused corner of a room or a shed possibly.
2 Both the category of substances and the shitty band.
3 Chad Michaels is a national treasure.